1 September starts the way every month should–with a day off. Why is it called Labor Day if the point is not to do any? While you ponder that, please note that it is both Be Kind to Writers andEditors month and National Humor in Business month. No, no. Thank you.
2 The U.S. Senate heads back to work, while the House of Representatives milks one more day out of its six weeks of summer vacation. Six weeks! How on earth does anything get done?
3 Come for the fiscal results, stay for the ham. Smithfield Foods invites shareholders to its annual meeting in Richmond, even though there are no actual shareholder proposals on the proxy. “It’s a truly boring nonevent,” admits Jerry in Investor Relations. But there will be meat! In related news, Heinz announces earnings.
4 Are you ready for some football? Your answer is irrelevant, as the NFL season opener with the Redskins vs. the Jets will happen anyway…. Also in D.C., Hospitality Sales & Marketing Association International wraps up its two-day expo on Affordable Meetings. Our cost-cutting suggestion: Stay home.
5 It’s Be Late for Something day–just make sure that that something isn’t work. The government releases data on the unemployment rate, and it’s also Update Your Resume month…. Opening nationwide: David Spade’s film Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star. See what happens when you don’t keep your resume current?
6/7 On Saturday, Hewlett-Packard Queen (that’s her title, right?) Carly Fiorina officially starts pushing 50. (She’s turning 49.) Other notable agings: ad impresario Shelley Lazarus (the 1st), Intel chairman Andy Grove (the 2nd), ex–Fed head Paul Volcker and chicken chief John Tyson (the 5th), media scion Lachlan Murdoch (the 8th), and Moneyliner Lou Dobbs (the 24th). On Sunday, Fraud International kicks off Fraud Events 2003, “the premier fraud convention of this year,” in Queensland, Australia. Note: This is not a course in improved obfuscation. Though there will be golf…. In Paris the French paper industry hosts the International Business Planning Conference. Topics include the outlook for copier paper and the volatile pulp industry. That has to sound sexier in French.
8 Washington, D.C., welcomes the World Nano-Economic Congress, which focuses on the business applications of nano-yaaawwwwwnnnn. Former Israeli Prime Minister Shimon Peres is scheduled to keynote. With all due respect, what the heck is the Nobel laureate doing talking about teensy-weensy tech? “Funnily enough, Israel is at the forefront of nano-technology,” explains conference spokesman Matt. “You’d think he would have more important things to do with his time, wouldn’t you? But no! He’s really into this.” Whatever floats your economy, dude. There’s also the Information Quality Conference in San Diego, or the Mobile Sources/Clean Air Conference in Steamboat Springs, Colo., starting on the 9th. We didn’t say they were better options. Just options.
10 It’s the Nashville New Music Conference (2NMC if you’re cool enough). Bands will play. Labels will listen. Maybe someone will get a deal. So how is this different from American Idol? “It’s totally different,” says conference director Jenny. “We do have a takeoff called 2NMC Idol, but no one wins.” Hmm, just like American Idol after all.
11 The wheelers and dealers in wheels and deals make their way to Germany for the Frankfurt Auto Show, while the pro golfers start playing the John Deere Classic at Deere Run in Silvis, Ill. Sadly, they don’t use tractors as golf carts. Also, Campbell Soup says earnings are in the can. You paid for that joke.
12 The government releases a few of those economic indicators, while the Institute of Certified Travel Agents’ National Forum is held at an out-of-the-way destination few have heard of: Orlando. Also, WebMD and Del Monte have annual shareholders meetings, because they’re legally required to do so. That, and they just like seeing everybody.
15 TECHXNY and PC Expo take over New York City to promote something called the computer, while the Power Mart energy conference lights up Houston. Note to those of you who planned, someday, to climb Everest or write the Great American Novel: Today is officially “Someday.” That’s what it says on the Internet.
16 Larry King and George Will take a gamble on keynoting at the Global Gaming Expo in Las Vegas. (Insert Bill Bennett joke here.) Meanwhile, FORTUNE would’ve sent someone to cover the Motivation Show in Chicago, but we just didn’t have the, um, what’s the word? (Money. –Ed.)
17 His Holiness the Dalai Lama graces New York City with his presence for “four days of teachings on training the mind and opening the heart.” That should work out well as long as he stays off the subway.
18 The U.S. Conference on AIDS meets in New Orleans to develop strategies to combat the syndrome…. In Shanghai, CeBIT Asia 2003 invites IT professionals to the international trade fair for IT, telecom, and software services. Somewhere there’s a Star Trek conference trying to fight off feelings of abandonment.
19 Why spend $10 seeing a movie when you can spend $10,000 on a movie poster? Christie’s South Kensington office is auctioning off posters from classic films including La Dolce Vita, Star Wars, and Planet of the Apes for the usual outrageous sums. Just think– years from now someone will overpay for an original four-color framed print of Gigli.
20/21 On Sunday, Forrester Research manages to bring together the president of personal-care products company Origins, the EVP of programming for ESPN, and one Barry Diller for its Consumer Forum in New York. If they won’t let you in, try the Independent Feature Film Market in nearby SoHo. They’ll take in anyone.
22 The World Sugar conference in Miami asks, “What might the sugar industry look like in a post-Castro world?” Don’t hold your breath, sweetie; eternal life is in his contract. Also today: The Emerging Technologies & Healthcare Innovations Congress in Washington, D.C.; Hedge Funds World in Singapore; Coal Marketing Days in Pittsburgh.
23 The British food-service industry gathers for the Strategies for Growth in Food Service conference about “exploiting opportunities in out-of-home eating” in London. U.S. food executives: This is your call to action! If the British takeout industry hopes to make its customers half as fat as Americans, it will need your help.
24 The Dynamic Facilitation Skills seminar continues in Port Townsend, Wash. Your facilitator will attempt to create change, not by “trying to manage or explain or teach” but by helping you “self- organize.” For this they charge $1,395.
25 Six years ago today Travelers Group bought Salomon Brothers; then it merged with Citibank and was renamed Citigroup. Since no one really believes he’s retiring, buy Sandy Weill an anniversary present. The traditional six-year anniversary gifts are sugar and iron. Sort of like Sandy, except without the sugar.
26 In Indianapolis, Formula One’s Grand Prix gets into gear. Next year’s will run in June so as to avoid competition with baseball and football. Instead it’ll run smack into NBA finals, U.S. Open golf, and the end of hockey season.
27/28 Rosh Hashanah! Also, on Saturday our second favorite Buffett, Jimmy, hits Irvine, Calif., for one more leg of his 2003 Tiki Time Tour. Our colleague Melanie Shanley interviewed Buffett recently and asked if Warren was a relative. “Somewhere distantly,” he said. “I’m referred to by Warren as Cousin Jimmy.”
29 The FORTUNE Most Powerful Women Summit meets in Scottsdale. This year “the participants are the program.” If only Sally Krawchek, Andrea Jung, and Goldie Hawn would tap-dance and perform skits for three days. Instead they’ll “leverage [their] power” to dissect “geopolitical shifts” and “remodel organizations.” Just point us toward the spa.
30 Rosie O’Donnell takes on her former publisher, Gruner & Jahr, in a New York courtroom, since they couldn’t settle their competing claims over the demise of Rosie magazine. If Gruner & Jahr had just given her Tom Cruise, none of this would be happening. Then again …
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